Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they answer one of our readers' top questions: What do I do if my partner and I have different libidos? If you have a question or story idea for Dr. Srinivasan, submit it here.
Jazmine noticed a mismatch in sex drives between her and her partner about three months into a relationship that was otherwise going well. “Coming down from the initial 'honeymoon' phase, I was still quite eager but my partner's desire seemed to diminish,” the 27-year-old student says. “This difference created a bit of a rift. I felt frustrated, while he felt pressured."
Jazmine’s experience is far from unique. When Allure recently sent out a survey to readers asking what they wanted to see covered in this column, some variation of “My partner and I have mismatched sex drives—what do I do?” was the most frequently asked question. According to Kate Manser, a licensed professional therapist who specializes in relationship counseling, experiencing a mismatch when it comes to sexual desire in your relationship is so normal, it should be expected.
“Many couples fear sexual desire discrepancy as if it’s the grim reaper for their relationship,” Manser says. “Yet, in my experience, rare is the relationship that has two people perfectly synced with their sexual arousal and desire.”
It’s so common that there’s even an official name for it: Sexual desire discrepancy (or SDD, a term first coined by sex therapists in 1980) is when two people in an intimate relationship experience varying levels of desire. This might be something you notice from the jump, or it could be something that develops over time. It's also normal for a person's sexual desire to grow and evolve through the course of a relationship; our libido is constantly fluctuating not just over the course of our life but on a day to day basis. Just because you’re currently the partner with a higher sex drive doesn’t mean that that will always be the case.
About a year ago, in a story for this column called How I Deal With Having Low Libido, I got pretty candid about the sex drive mismatch I experienced in my own relationship. After I started taking a new SSRI, it felt like my libido was in the tank. There were a couple of rough months during my relationship where it just felt like my partner and I were never on the same page.
Certified holistic sex therapist Emily Fitzpatrick explains that sexual desire is influenced by multiple factors including stress, medications, and hormones. This can manifest as just not being in the mood, but it can also have physical effects that might make sex more difficult. When stress, hormones, or medications impact lubrication or cause erectile tissue, partners might mistake this for a lack of desire which, understandably, might lead to some hurt feelings.
To make things more complicated, there might not always be a clear cause for one partner’s lowered libido. Kiana, a 26-year-old artist from NYC, first noticed the mismatch in sex drives between her and her partner about a year into the relationship. “It took that long to notice the difference because we were long-distance,” she explains.
Kiana decided to take her time before bringing this up with her boyfriend—time she used to figure out if having a low libido was her new normal or a one-off phase. “Truthfully, I don't even think my partner noticed the mismatch in sex drives until I chose to have a conversation with them about it, which turned out to be quite tense,” she says.
While a mismatch in libidos itself is usually not considered a problem or a clinical condition that requires a diagnosis, it still warrants an investigation if it's causing some level of emotional distress in one or both individuals—which I’d guess is likely to be the case for anyone reading this story. Ahead, some tips for how to identify the source of a libido mismatch, how to communicate about it with a partner, and ways to find a healthy middle ground.
Prioritize Communication
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand (pun intended) that will make your libido differences vanish in a puff of glittery smoke. Many of you might be dismayed to learn that the best way to work through a problem in a relationship is to actually talk about it and come up with boundaries and compromises that align with both of your needs. It can be uncomfortable and awkward, but figuring out why the discrepancy exists in the first place is crucial, and that involves having conversations (both with each other and with yourselves) about how each partner views sex and how desire shows up in their relationship. Even if it's clear that one person is struggling with sexual difficulties like erectile dysfunction or hyposexual desire disorder, it’s still important for both members of the partnership to work together to figure out what works for them.
After all, a mismatched sex drive is never the “fault” of one partner and therefore it shouldn’t be up to anyone to figure it out alone. Manser encourages people dealing with this situation to not pathologize or shame their partner for having low or high desire compared to themselves. Fitzpatrick agrees, stressing that couples should steer clear of the blame game and avoid accusatory phrases like “you never want sex” or “you’re unreasonable for wanting this much sex.” Instead, focus on acknowledging the distress experienced by one or both partners, discussing what is and isn't important to each of you when it comes to sex, and finding instances of commonality.
If you're the one initiating the conversations, think about what type of communicator you aspire to be (perhaps one that is kind, patient, and thoughtful?) before diving in. Once you sit down to have the conversion, then “focus on sharing your vulnerable truth, which is the key to a supportive and connecting conversation,” Fitzpatrick says. “For example, saying ‘I’m really missing connecting with you’ or ‘I’m feeling lonely and a touch insecure. I’d love to talk about it.’ Seek to understand and show empathy for another rather than fix one another.”
A couples counselor can be a helpful resource in getting these conversations going. Manser recommends finding a sex therapist via The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). “This can give both persons a safe container to explore the disconnection and come up with solutions that work for them both,” she adds. If therapy is not in the cards for you right now, she suggests implementing a regular check-in that follows a structure like Multiamory’s RADAR. These check-ins don’t have to just be about your sex life; it’s a good way to make sure you’re setting aside time to discuss all aspects of your relationship.
Recognizing When the Mismatch Is a Sign of a Larger Issue
If a relationship is otherwise healthy, most of the time a libido discrepancy will be something the partners can work through. A little awkwardness is to be expected as you get into the groove of these regular check-ins, but if the conversations are leading to more arguments and resentment than compromise and growth, it might be time to reconsider the relationship as a whole.
For Miranda, a 26-year-old writer from Amsterdam, her breaking point came when communicating about the mismatch in libidos became a bigger issue than the mismatch itself. Three months into a relationship, the drastic difference in libidos started to take a toll on her self-esteem. She wanted to have sex often, but her partner would brush her off in favor of playing video games as a way to de-stress—and when Miranda tried to discuss the discrepancy, he wasn’t open to the conversation at all. “I’m very open when it comes to sex,” she says. “Once I realized he wasn’t willing to recognize this mismatch as a problem or work with me to find a solution, I knew this relationship wasn’t going to work out.”
And of course, a discrepancy is never an excuse for emotional or physical abuse. An unfortunately common example of this is when one person in the relationship feels like they are “owed” sex and, as a result, their partner feels pressured to perform for fear of negative consequences. Repeatedly asking for sex or guilting a partner for sex are all signs of sexual coercion, which is a form of abuse—and will likely make the libido disconnect even worse. Fitzpatrick explains that someone usually gives unwilling or coerced consent when they fear the consequences of saying no more than they fear the consequences of saying yes. The partner feeling pressure to have sex might feel not just an absence of desire, but an absence of desire for desire.
If you suspect that you are in a relationship where you routinely experience sexual coercion despite having conversations in which you clearly state your boundaries, it's likely time to end the relationship. In the case that you are worried for your safety, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a domestic violence organization for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 and has a directory for finding local resources.
Explore Compromises and Boundaries
While talk is a crucial first step, you'll also want to come up with actual action items in those regular check-ins. Remember: When a partner draws a boundary about not wanting to engage in sex, it’s crucial we honor that. But it's also important to honor the intimacy the other partner might be craving.
People often assume that having a lot of a sex in a relationship indicates that they’re madly in love. So when our partner says they’re not in the mood, we might feel like they're just not that into us anymore. No one likes rejection! Instead of getting mad or sulking, Fitzpatrick encourages couples to use moments like these as an opportunity to compromise and find out what each person is a “yes” to. Jazmine says that she and her partner were both committed to finding a balance, so they'd take moments of discrepancy as an opportunity to talk things out.
“When rejection happens, it's crucial for me to detach desire from love and acknowledge that our desires won't always align,” she shares. “Communication has been absolutely crucial so I might say, 'I understand you're not feeling it right now, but I really crave your touch.' This can sometimes lead to intercourse, but it also encourages him to express his own desires."
For some couples, a compromise might involve opting into consensual non-monogamy. Rohan, 31, and Maya, 28, noticed the mismatch in their sex drives one year into dating. “What we initially attributed to stress turned out to be a mutual attraction to others beyond our relationship,” Rohan explains. ”When they realized that they were both bisexual, opening the marriage seemed like a natural step. Being open and honest about our needs and attractions, including seeing other people occasionally, has helped us build trust in our relationship."
Building Non-Sexual Intimacy in Relationships
Ultimately, we set our relationships up for failure when we hyper-fixate on penetrative sex or having an orgasm as the only way to be intimate with a partner. Sex is indeed a powerful way to express love and desire, but it's not the only way—and there are a myriad of things outside of sex that make up a good relationship. Letting go of how things “should” look when it comes to intimacy helps us find all the methods we can use to express the desire we feel towards our partner.
Manser encourages couples to brainstorm a list of activities they enjoy doing together that focus more on a physical connection outside of an orgasm or sex. “Maybe that is taking a bath with one another, giving each other massages, cuddling, or kissing without expectations of it going beyond that,” she says. Jazmine and her partner build intimacy by cooking together, exploring new hobbies, and simply spending quality time together. “These shared moments nourish our intimacy just as much as physical connection,” she says.
Desire can also manifest in the form of acts of service. For Kiana, safety in her relationship meant having her partner equitably contribute to the relationship and household without any expectations. “Even my partner anticipating what I will need after a long day are small acts outside of sex that make me feel seen and known,” she says.
While sex is an integral part of most relationships, its temporary absence should not be construed as a dead end. Instead, think of it as a checkpoint. Rather than anxiously waiting to move past this period, use this pause to rewrite old scripts around what it means to desire and be desired. Use this moment to reflect on your relationship and how you show up for each other as non-sexual beings. Ultimately, know that this period is teaching you to exercise love, trust, and patience—not just with your partner, but also with yourself.
Read more Doing It:
- What It's Like to Try an Open Marriage After 10 Years of Monogamy
- A Beginner's Guide to BDSM
- How to Deal With Sex Anxiety
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