Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they asked intimacy coordinators for movies and TV to share tips that can make off-screen sex even hotter.
Some of the most memorable scenes from movies and television are sex scenes. Think Demi Moore and the ghost of Patrick Swayze making pottery look sexy in Ghost, Keira Knightley and James McAvoy going at it against a wall of books in Atonement and, of course, the passionate kiss between long-lost lovers Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in The Notebook (I have personally watched this scene about 50 times).
The sex we see on TV and in movies can influence our behavior in real life. Immediately after the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie came out in 2015, searches on Pornhub for BDSM-related terms, like “submission” and “bondage” spiked dramatically, especially among women users of the site.
It can be fun to pull inspiration from different media, but, as the adage goes, it’s wise not to believe what you see on TV. It’s scripted and often unrealistic, but can also perpetuate harmful practices. Things are generally getting better now, but let’s be real, many of our favorite shows and movies have not aged well. Women were objectified, sexual assault was often passed off as a joke, and transphobia was rampant.
Some of these problematic portrayals of sex were a reflection of the culture and attitudes on set. Many people who were thrown into those toxic work environments have since opened up about their experiences. Take Emily Ratajowski, who in her memoir My Body wrote about the inappropriate interaction she had with Robin Thicke on the set of the highly controversial music video for “Blurred Lines.” From her story and so many others', it became clear that someone needed to help people advocate for themselves on set. Thus, the rise of the intimacy coordinator.
While the role of intimacy coordinators was formalized in 2017, around the height of the #MeToo movement, with HBO studios becoming one of the first to mandate a coordinator on set, many folks, like the company’s current in-house intimacy coordinator, Alicia Rodis, were working in the field long before then.
According to SAG-AFTRA, intimacy coordinators act as a liaison between actors and the production crew “in regards to nudity and simulated sex and other intimate and hyper-exposed scenes.” They can assist in everything from establishing consent to choreographing movement and negotiating with directors about whether a sex scene really needs to be included.
What intimacy coordinators definitely aren’t doing is trying to replicate what sex is actually like in real life. “When we are choreographing for TV/film, the focus is not on what feels good for the actors,” says Jessica Steinrock, a certified intimacy coordinator who has worked on the set of many shows, including Never Have I Ever and Yellowjackets. ”It is rather on what looks good for the camera, which is the complete opposite of what happens in real life.”
Neha Vyaso, the founder of BraveSpaces Creative India, became an intimacy director after she noticed that scenes around intimacy often reflected discomfort, confusion, or a lack of structure—something she experienced firsthand as she worked on many film and theater projects in Bollywood. “My hope for every project is to ensure that actors and creatives feel nurtured, acknowledged, and creatively emboldened during intimate storytelling,” she says.
So while it’s true that most of what we see on TV is too carefully choreographed and unrealistic to be re-created in the bedroom, there’s much we can learn from intimacy coordinators when it comes to our own sex lives. After all, everyone deserves to feel “nurtured, acknowledged, and creatively emboldened” in the sex scenes of their lives. Here, Steinrock and Vyaso offer some on-set tips that translate quite well to real life.
Let go of the perfect image.
I know we’re all dying to re-create our favorite on-screen sex scenes, but, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I repeat: Most of them are scripted with input from way too many people, rehearsed multiple times, and are just…fake. Whenever Steinrock compares her life to what she sees onscreen, she reminds herself of just how much body tape and spray-on sweat is being used for the latter. “Television is story and fantasy, and real life is not that,” Steinrock says. “Even the most authentically portrayed scene of intimacy is going to be different than real life.”
If you do see something in a movie that you think you’d like to bring to the bedroom, focus on making your version of events. How do you do this? Vyaso encourages people to let go of the idea of the perfect shot or ideal moment and instead embrace the beauty of being present. “The best moments happen when actors lean into the character, drop into their breath, react instinctively within set boundaries, and let the scene unfold.”
Think of yourself as an artist, darling. Set goals outside of “perfection,” outlining what you want to get out of the experience, whether it be connection, a way to get out of your comfort zone, or just a chance to try something new. See where that takes you. Move away from the idea of replicating something you saw on TV and go down the path of creative pursuit.
Don't wing it when it comes to boundaries.
In her job, Steinrock has found that sex and intimacy can be hard to talk about when the cameras are rolling and the lights are on. So, before a scene is filmed, she makes sure to have many conversations about the scenes days in advance to give the actors time to think about the process, what might work for them, or if they want to opt out. This plan can be adapted for real life, too. “Being aware of what your boundaries are and communicating those clearly and collaboratively can build trust—and trust makes for an excellent experience for everyone,” Steinrock says.
I’m not saying you can’t ever go off-script, but it's good to have at least some conversations beforehand to talk about new things you want to try and establish a framework within which all encounters take place.
During these pre-sex check-ins, you can discuss consent and boundaries, but if you really want to get into the role of a director, you can script out the entire sequence into a beginning, middle, and end. Vyaso says you can borrow from the “beat mapping,” a method that actors use to break down a scene into multiple parts or “beats.” In real life, Vyaso says, this can be as simple as saying, “Let's start here, gauge how it feels, then progress to this.” Creating this type of loose framework allows you to explore pleasure and the thrill of spontaneity within a secure structure.
Set yourself up for success while taking the pressure off.
So you’ve created the scene, established a framework, and now you’re trying to see if your partner (or yourself) is willing to take on certain roles in the dynamic you’ve set up. What happens if you or your partner realizes they aren’t interested in playing the part? While it’s important to note that what works for someone won’t always work for someone else (and, of course, you should never try to force anyone to do something they don’t want to do), you can set yourself up for success. Make a pact to be flexible and collaborative throughout the entire process. It's essential you work as a team, especially when it comes to trying something new.
“On set, intimacy direction is all about communication, clarity, care, and connection, and real-life intimacy thrives on the same principles,” Vyaso says, recommending that people, much like the actors she works with, agree on intimacy parameters. “Just as in acting, our body's responses and moods fluctuate, our boundaries shift. A considerate touch base with, ‘Are you still comfortable?’ or ‘Should we take a moment or change?’ can make all the difference in building trust and pleasure.”
Steinrock reminds us that consent is reversible—something you should make clear with your partner in those pre-sex conversations. It’s possible that on paper, trying something new might be something you’re both down for…but once it happens, it turns out not to be your thing. Establishing ahead of time that either of you can change your mind at any moment can take some of the pressure off. Just like actors who might feel good about a potential angle or movement during check-in but then hate how it looks on camera, you won’t truly know if a particular new sex “move” works for you until you’re physically in it.
Choreograph intimacy like a dance.
Once you’re in the scene, there are a lot of things that might throw you off your game. Maybe you have performance anxiety as a result of over-rehearsing the routine in your head, or you’re just trying to get through all the steps without “messing up.” Either way, it's easy to lose sight of the bigger picture, which is to stay engaged and build a connection.
To take the pressure off these moments and infuse a little more spontaneity, Vyaso recommends evoking a “choreographed touch.” If you are aware of your partner's emotional landscape and comfort zones, touching them where and how they like to be touched while “taking time for moments of stillness, breathing, and mutual fine-tuning, can make real-life intimacy feel more immediate and connected,” she adds. This could include a back rub, a slight caress to the face, or sensual eye contact.
You can also use nonverbal cues to communicate—leaning into the rhythm of your breath, squeezing a hand, signaling for a pause—without having to break the magic of the moment. “In real life, these tools can become our most powerful ally, like a hand squeeze that whispers a soft ‘Yes, please continue,’ or adjusting body positioning in a way that signals interest or hesitation,” Vyaso says. “Intimacy is as much about listening as it is about expressing.”
At the end of the day, sex is just a dance made up of different positions, movements, sounds, and emotions. Over time, you create a choreographed routine where you know all the steps. Being a director and bringing a creative flair to the process can help a lot of us look at sex differently. So set the stage, rehearse your lines, and go be the star of your self-choreographed sex scenes.
Read more from Doing It:
How to Make a Long-Distance Marriage Work
What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives
